According to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.” Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face. Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.
When depression comes, it does not just affect the child. As a parent, it affects you. If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.
1. You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.
Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression. Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own. Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed. “I worried all of the time. I kept blaming myself. I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear. I experienced God’s presence. I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen. I felt helpless. I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).” These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health. As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.
It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting. Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child. No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.
2. You begin helping when you stop fixing.
Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved. You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution. However, depression is not easily conquered. One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.” Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.” Or “I love you.”
One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them. Don’t take over their lives. Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.” Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy. Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.
3. Listen to them and learn.
Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen. Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.) As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment. One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”
As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child. One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions. I learned not to judge. I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble. I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.” Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.
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4. You are not alone.
Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling. Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy. This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents. One parent says, “Talk. Talk. Talk. Find support. Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret. Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.” Neither should you as a parent. It is not your fault.
If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child. Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race. You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.
Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child. “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is His Faithfulness.”
