4 Lies Church Taught Me about Sex

I found this article well-written, and true as I work regularly with those who were raised in the church, and are now married.

Two Quotes:

“Those of us who choose to wait do so because we hold certain beliefs about the sacredness of marriage and about God’s intentions and wishes for humanity, and we honor these regardless of whether they feel easier or harder.”

We do not refrain from sex because God will bless our sex lives.  We seek to glorify God with our lives before we are married by remaining pure.  We glorify God after marriage by enjoying His gift of sex.

“In the meantime, we in the evangelical church has a lot of work to do correcting the distorted ways we talk about sex and sexuality, especially to our youth.”

No youth pastor has ever tried confuse their students about sex, but it happens.  Even if we are careful about what we teach, we cannot control how it is heard.  However, perspectives like this are helpful as we try to address the sexual purity that is so desperately needed in our society without directing our sheep into other errors.

Read the Article here.

Dr. G. David Boyd

Quality Time with the Parents

sessums-mother-daughter-679867-h[1]Just because you have graduated from school does not mean that you no longer need your parents.  Our need for a community  is a basic human need, and not something you ever outgrow.  In an attempt to become independent, sometimes EA’s make the mistake of becoming too distant from their parents.  While you do need to become more autonomous, it is okay for your parents to remain apart of your community. 

Due to the quantities of issues and decisions that you are facing, you need quality time with your parents (or other older adults who you can trust).  While each person’s quality time will look different, here are a few ways to make the most of your time with your parents.

Make sure your time with them is…

1.  Focused

Quality time is difficult to achieve when interrupted by the constant demand of media.   While at a restaurant, I saw all four members of a family eating lunch with their phones out playing games, texting, and surfing the web, rather than being present with one another.  So many times families sit in the same room, but are in different worlds.  While media and technology can be a blessing, they can also be a curse.  Make sure you are fully present when talking to your parents. 

2.  Two-sided

Emerging adults often get stereotyped as being self-centered (which is not fair because all people are naturally self-centered – I know that I am.)  As you mature, your relationship with your parents should develop into a two-sided relationship (a relationship where both parties equally give and receive). 

The view of your parents which has only seen their role as your mother and father should be changing.  They are not simply parents, but have other roles as a brother, son, employee, community volunteer, church member.   As you get to know your parents as adults, ask them questions about their lives, their work, and how they feel.   Your parents have good and hard days.  They have struggles and disappointments.  As an adult, make sure you invest in this new phase of relationship with your parents. 

3.  Unhurried

College life can be filled with activity.  While you might have bonding moments amidst the busyness of life, quality time flourishes when not rushed.  When we rush through life, we don’t have time to truly appreciate it, or allow time for reflection.   Don’t just call mom and dad while walking between classes, or running between events.  Time with your parents is not something you do in between events, but is an event.  Schedule a time, and prioritize it. 

Quality time is it is often unappreciated.  We often don’t appreciate the quality time we have with each other until sickness or death threatens to take it away. 

Finding quality time with your parents isn’t always easy.  Since you have left home, their lives have continued on.  In order to get enough attention, you will need to work for it.  You will need to ask for it.  You may need to demand it.  A basic building block of a strong relationship is feeling wanted.  Many parent/child relationships fall apart during the college years because children give signs that they don’t want their parents.  Do you parents know that you don’t want money, but that above all you want a relationship with them?    

Instead of a text, find some time today to talk to one of your parents. 

 

 

Dr. G. David Boyd has been a pastor and friend to EA’s for the past twelve years.  He still enjoys spending quality time with his parents who live in Indiana.

When Your Child is Depressed

pensive EAAccording to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.”  Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face.  Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.

When depression comes, it does not just affect the child.  As a parent, it affects you.  If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.

1.  You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.

Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression.  Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own.  Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed.  “I worried all of the time.  I kept blaming myself.  I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear.  I experienced God’s presence.  I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen.  I felt helpless.  I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).”  These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health.  As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.

It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting.  Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child.  No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.

2.  You begin helping when you stop fixing.

Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved.  You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution.  However, depression is not easily conquered.  One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.”  Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.”  Or “I love you.”

One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them.  Don’t take over their lives.  Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.”  Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy.  Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.

3.  Listen to them and learn. 

Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen.  Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.)  As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment.  One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”

As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child.  One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions.  I learned not to judge.  I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble.  I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.”  Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.

girl-woman-hair-1276336-l[1]4.  You are not alone. 

Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling.  Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy.  This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents.  One parent says, “Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Find support.  Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret.  Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.”   Neither should you as a parent.  It is not your fault.

If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child.  Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race.  You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.

Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child.  “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  Great is His Faithfulness.”

Premature Intimacy

the guy and the girlI believe in purity. I believe in purity rings. I believe in setting physical boundaries in relationships in order to keep from hurting ourselves and others. This is something that is often taught, lectured, and discussed in Christian circles. However, I think we are missing something. Something BIG. Continue reading