Category Archives: For Parents

Still Asking, “Who am I?”

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Who am I?

Is this just a question for adolescents as they seek to find a seat in the junior high lunch room?  Or fit in among the various high school peer groups?  Or is it a question asked by emerging adults as they try to set a course for their life?  It is a question that all people ponder at various points in their lives, regardless of age.  I know there are many days when I ask myself that question (and I am way beyond the EA years.)

Asking who we are springs from our human desire for individuality, or to be known (by ourselves and others).  We do not want to be lost in a crowd, but desire to be unique and known.  Identity formation is the process of developing a distinct personality in which characteristics are possessed and by which a person is recognized or known.  Concepts within identity formation include:  vocation, personality, sexuality, community, affiliation, values, and beliefs.  Developing one’s identity provides a sense of continuity, a sense of uniqueness from others, and the ability to seek affiliation.  Identity formation is crucial to maturation and personal well-being.

Identity formation has often been seen as something done during the adolescence and confirmed by early adulthood.  Recently, the concept of identity formation being completed by early adulthood has come under scrutiny.  Although adolescence and emerging adulthood appear to be the lifestages when many crucial decisions are indeed faced, identity formation develops throughout an individual’s lifetime.  Speaking on identify formation, Schweitzer notes,

…identity formation turns out to be a flexible and, most likely, a lifelong process.  As the experience of transitional periods in life has multiplied-with changes of profession, new trainings, second and third marriages, and so forth—the need to rework and to reestablish one’s identity has also become an enduring task never to be quite completed.  (Schweitzer, 2004)

 Identity formation is not a single task, or something that is completed during adolescence, but is something that continues throughout the individual’s life.

In our world, many adults are judged who make changes in later life stages.  They are often accused of having a mid-life crisis, or being shifty, disingenuine, or flaky.  While there are people who experience mid-life crisis, the human ability to adapt at any age is healthy.    The ability to adapt is a survival skill, rather than a weakness.  I know that I am not the same person that I was in high school or college.  Making changes in our lives reflect the continual maturation we do as humans, and the sanctification we experience as Christians.

Did Jesus experience a mid-life crisis?  He changed from Galilean carpenter to Savior of the World.  At all stages of life, Jesus followed the will of His father.

Exploring new directions in life is not a crisis, but could be the leading of God in your life.

Asking who you are is not a reason to panic.  Decide today who you want to be.  Tomorrow that may change, and that is okay.  Through it all, I am “in Christ” which established my purpose and value, and I have surrendered my life to Him.  All the other things in life, I am allowed to change.

Resources:

The Postmodern Life Cycle:  Challanges for Church and Theology by Schweitzer.

How does being “in Christ” help me figure out who I really am?

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fish_schoolAsking who we are flows from our human desire for individuality, or to be known (by ourselves and others).  Nobody wants to be forgotten or lost in a crowd.  Identity formation, is the process of developing a distinct personality in which characteristics are possessed and by which a person is recognized or known.  Concepts included within identity formation includes: vocation, personality, sexuality, community, affiliation, values, and beliefs.  Developing one’s identity provides a sense of continuity, a sense of uniqueness from others, and the ability to seek affiliation.  Identity formation is crucial to maturation and personal well-being.

Sometimes Christian expressions become popularized, over-used, and abused (anyone remember WWJD bracelet fad?).  Although many of them have good origins, they can also lead to undesirable out-comes.  One expression that has been linked to identity formation by Christians is “in Christ.”  The phrase is usually accompanied by a long list of the verses that refer to believers (Search the Web for Identity in Christ Bible Verses – if you want to see such a list.)  The list is meant to remind us of the source of our identity, and can be very helpful for many Christians.

However for me, I lost myself in that list.  I felt that being in Christ meant that anything beyond the list was useless and lacked meaning.  Instead of seeing my identity in Christ as a spring board, it became a cage.

As Christians, we believe that we should be shaped into the image of Christ.  Sometimes, within our churches, we attempt to over-simplify the process of identity formation.  We narrow it down into a single statement such as, “Your identity comes from Christ alone.”  However does Jesus Christ make decisions for them including their vocational choices, personality features, clothing and music preferences?  The concept of being found “in Christ” does not form our identity, but gives us the basis from which these decisions are made.

The concept of being “in Christ” is helpful in that it reminds us that our sense of worth doesn’t come from what we choose to like, to be, to wear, or do for a living.  Our worth comes from the fact that we are God’s Creation and His workmanship.  Ephesians 2:10 says that “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  This verse reveals that our worth and purpose comes from being in Him.

The concept of being “in Christ” does not determine every decision of life.  For example, if I need to decide between becoming a farmer or fireman, Jesus doesn’t tell me the answer.  While Jesus did give us some guidelines by which to live by, there are many choices that are not discussed.

Growing up in a Christian realm, I felt as if I had lost the freedom to choose as part of being “in Christ.”  Few choices were amoral, but were either right or wrong – decided for me by a rigid morality system (my music, vocation, clothing…).  Once I surrendered to Christ, my will was replaced by his will.  I operated under the premise that it was ungodly to think about what I wanted to do, but only about what God wanted me to do.  I never thought about what I wanted to do for a living, but assumed God called me to be a pastor because I was “in Christ.”

Simply put – I was really messed up. 

I had lost the freedom to choose.  I thought I had to give up my freedom in order to follow Christ.  But it wasn’t true.   A concept that was supposed to bring joy and freedom brought me captivity.  There is a need to define the freedom that comes from being “in Christ.”  Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, and especially freedom to be fully me.

You get to make decisions in life as to who you want to be.  You are never trapped.  You can be what you want.   You still have to choose.

Or better yet – You get to choose!

May your identity “in Christ” be a spring board as you experience freedom with Him.

Recruiting Emerging Adults for Church Leadership.

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This article is written in cooperation with Jeff Marian, Lead Pastor at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Burnsville, MN.  Jeff has a clear passion to involve Emerging Adults at all levels of church leadership.  Jeff does not believe that age should be obstacle for leadership within the church.  Although not EAs, his church currently has two leaders (at the highest level) who are in their 30’s, and they are actively looking for more.

Why did you start recruiting EA’s to lead at your church?

HandsOur church needed transition because our church community was aging.  Mark 2:22 says, “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost.  New wine calls for new wineskins.”  Our church was in need of new wineskins in order to bring change to our community.

Our church needed to reach EA’s, and didn’t know how.   In order to reach different people, we needed to make some changes.  When we tried to reach EA’s without their input, it felt as if the church was an airplane in the fog without instrumentation.  We saw things only from our limited perspective of those in the room.  EA’s are the eyes, ears, and the heart of the future.  Without them, we were flying blind.  As a church, we decided to stop making assumptions about EAs, and start asking them directly.

How did you see it profit EA’s?

Young leaders lack life experience, but that should not disqualify them from leadership.  Leadership gives them this experience.  Placing them into leadership has exposed them to the wisdom of those who are older.  It has forced the emerging adult’s ideal world to meet the real world.  When their passion and idealism collides with reality, maturation occurs.

Do you see any dangers in having young leadership?

There is always danger in the extremes.  Good church leadership requires a balance of voices, and not just one age group.  Younger leaders are willing to make and lead change.  Those in the second half of their spirituality are able to discern the baby from the bathwater.  A balance of the two helps us protect the church, and keep it healthy and relevant (Jeff referenced the book Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.).

How did you see it profit your community?

EA’s becomes advocates for their generation.  Many times, I don’t understand the issues they are facing.  I am warped as a baby-boomer, and we need them to see the world how they see it.  When I am an advocate for EA’s, it doesn’t carry the same weight as when they speak for themselves.  People in the congregation look at them and see someone who reminds them of their child, or their grandchild.     This invokes a sense of responsibility and hop in older adults to lead well for the future.  When EA’s stand up to lead, they are a living symbol of the future.

EA’s have a passion for Kingdom Work, and their passion spreads.  They want to be involved outside the walls of the church.  Placing them in leadership gives them the visibility to make their passion truly contagious to the entire body of Christ.

EA’s have the influence over the other young leaders.  Not because they force peers to do something, but because of the power of community.

EA’s have grown up knowing that America is not Christendom.  Many in our church still don’t understand that, but they are slowly teaching us how to be a light in a diverse society.

 What obstacles did you face?

Older people want EA’s to speak up and have a voice.  Obstacles only appear when they are given equal or more weight and value than those who are paying the bills.  It is difficult for any generation to look beyond what feeds my generation, and to look ahead to the next.

 How do you go about the process of recruiting EA’s?

Our leadership knew that there was capable young leadership in the congregation.  We just had to identify and recruit them.  Once we identified some leaders, we started personally recruiting them.  This week, I had lunch with an EA, and asked him to step up into leadership.  His father had been in leadership for many years in our community, and I challenged him to follow in his father’s footsteps.  I am praying that he will join our team.

We specifically targeted those under 35 for our church council.  Many EA’s feel as if leadership opportunities are not available to them (link to “Young Need Not Apply”), and we wanted to make a statement that age would not be a factor in leadership selection.  We communicated this vision through printed and spoken word.

As the senior leader, I have to take the chance to ask them  – one on one.  I want them to hear me say, “You are the future.  I want to validate your leadership.  I need you to step into that gap.  How can I work together with you?”

What do you look for in an EA leader? 

While age might not be a requirement, there are other requirements.  All individuals go through the same process to enter into church leadership.  Our community’s requirements include:  serving and leading somewhere else in the body, active engagement maturation, volunteer time, and money to the community, and the respect of their peers.

I believe Jeff has two essential skills that enables him to recruit EAs into leadership – a passionate vision for intergenerational leadership, and the ability to voice that need across the table.

Although I am no longer an emerging adult, I was energized by Jeff’s vision of intergenerational leadership.  I would also readily admit that following this interview, that if there was a day when he sat down across the table from me and asked me to join his team, I would probably say yes.

 

Jeff Marian is the Senior Pastor at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Burnsville, MN.  He is married to Nancy, and together are parenting three emerging adults.

 

The Movie every person should see, but few will stomach.

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Over Thanksgiving weekend, my parents came into town to visit us.  On the first night they were there, my son looked at us and said, “I want private time with Granna and Pops.   You two need to leave. “

What could we say?  So my wife and I made plans to go to a movie the following night.  Thanksgiving weekend is a huge weekend for going to the theatres.  It seemed as if everyone not at the malls was at the theatre.

My wife’s first request would have been to see some Nicholas Sparks movie.  But I am thankful that none are currently out.  I hate crying for no reason.   There were actually no romantic movies out (dodged a bullet on that one).

My first choice would have been “Thor” (for the 2nd time).  My first choice because it is a movie about a Marvel super hero.  My first choice just because it is awesome.   (Can anyone argue with the fact that Tom Hiddleston as Loki is awesome?)   However, when I voiced my opinion, my wife gave me no response.

My wife’s second request was to see some movie called “Catching Fire.”  I am not sure if you have heard of it.  I guess it is a big deal to some.  I surprisingly haven’t seen it, and didn’t want to see the 2nd before I saw the first.  So my wife let me pass.

My second request was non-existent because the Hobbit wasn’t out yet.

My wife then suggested that we go to “12 Years a Slave.”  I knew it might not be tough, but I thought it would be good.

The move is about Solomon Northup, a freed black man from New York who is abducted and sold down south into slavery.  Facing the end of his freedom, Solomon fights for survival and for hope in a dark world.

Why should you see this movie?

The first reason is because it turns slavery from a textbook into a reality.  I don’t want to give away what happens during the film, but I know that you will feel like you are there.   I am not saying it is a good feeling.  There were many times when I felt as I wanted to run, hide.  I covered my eyes.  I covered my ears.  I felt as if I was there, and I could barely handle it.

The movie challenged me to know that I can withstand the circumstances that I am in.  Solomon made choices to cling to hope and his integrity.  He was a great example of living a life of integrity.

The movie challenged me to continue to look for injustice in our world today, and to be a voice for those who have none.

It has a MPAA rating of R due to male and female nudity.  The nudity does not come through a passionate bedroom scene, but through trying to display the reality of the lives of slaves in the south.

I know that many people go to the theater because they want to forget reality, injustice, and the difficulties of life.  I get that, and I often do the same.  The box office numbers reveals this fact.  12 Years a Slave has made about 33.7 million in the box office (and will soon be gone).  Thor 2 has already grossed 188 million.

If you don’t go to the theatre, then rent it.  Whatever you do, you should watch the movie.

There are some issues in life that are hard to address, however, that doesn’t mean we can ignore them.

I believe that watching this movie could make you more understanding, compassionate, and driven to be an instrument for the Kingdom of God.

Quality Time with the Parents

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sessums-mother-daughter-679867-h[1]Just because you have graduated from school does not mean that you no longer need your parents.  Our need for a community  is a basic human need, and not something you ever outgrow.  In an attempt to become independent, sometimes EA’s make the mistake of becoming too distant from their parents.  While you do need to become more autonomous, it is okay for your parents to remain apart of your community. 

Due to the quantities of issues and decisions that you are facing, you need quality time with your parents (or other older adults who you can trust).  While each person’s quality time will look different, here are a few ways to make the most of your time with your parents.

Make sure your time with them is…

1.  Focused

Quality time is difficult to achieve when interrupted by the constant demand of media.   While at a restaurant, I saw all four members of a family eating lunch with their phones out playing games, texting, and surfing the web, rather than being present with one another.  So many times families sit in the same room, but are in different worlds.  While media and technology can be a blessing, they can also be a curse.  Make sure you are fully present when talking to your parents. 

2.  Two-sided

Emerging adults often get stereotyped as being self-centered (which is not fair because all people are naturally self-centered – I know that I am.)  As you mature, your relationship with your parents should develop into a two-sided relationship (a relationship where both parties equally give and receive). 

The view of your parents which has only seen their role as your mother and father should be changing.  They are not simply parents, but have other roles as a brother, son, employee, community volunteer, church member.   As you get to know your parents as adults, ask them questions about their lives, their work, and how they feel.   Your parents have good and hard days.  They have struggles and disappointments.  As an adult, make sure you invest in this new phase of relationship with your parents. 

3.  Unhurried

College life can be filled with activity.  While you might have bonding moments amidst the busyness of life, quality time flourishes when not rushed.  When we rush through life, we don’t have time to truly appreciate it, or allow time for reflection.   Don’t just call mom and dad while walking between classes, or running between events.  Time with your parents is not something you do in between events, but is an event.  Schedule a time, and prioritize it. 

Quality time is it is often unappreciated.  We often don’t appreciate the quality time we have with each other until sickness or death threatens to take it away. 

Finding quality time with your parents isn’t always easy.  Since you have left home, their lives have continued on.  In order to get enough attention, you will need to work for it.  You will need to ask for it.  You may need to demand it.  A basic building block of a strong relationship is feeling wanted.  Many parent/child relationships fall apart during the college years because children give signs that they don’t want their parents.  Do you parents know that you don’t want money, but that above all you want a relationship with them?    

Instead of a text, find some time today to talk to one of your parents. 

 

 

Dr. G. David Boyd has been a pastor and friend to EA’s for the past twelve years.  He still enjoys spending quality time with his parents who live in Indiana.

Thanksgiving Sucks.

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KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERANo, I’m not talking about the weight I gain in the weeks surrounding the holidays.  I’m not upset because my team lost.  I am not referring to my relatives who although I love dearly, always seem to say something to set me off.  I am not really talking about the holiday and all its fanfare at all.  Continue reading →

One way to spend your Thanksgiving away from Home

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Lots of people have thanksgiving traditions, like having family over, playing games, watching football and eating too much, the list can go on and on. Traditions are about comfort and doing what you have been doing most of your life, because it’s familiar.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the same thing year after year but last year opened my eyes to a new tradition.

During the fall of my senior year of college I studied in Nashville, TN.  It is a 15 hour drive from my home in MN.  I still had some time left after Thanksgiving until the semester was over and I did not have money to drive all the way home and all the way back…and all the way home again.

So I went through some options in my head

A)  Spend thanksgiving alone with a frozen pizza and an action movie (not bad but kinda lonely)

B)  Beg some people fly out here (I’m in college, all my friends are just as poor as me)

C)  See if anyone would let me come to their thanksgiving (I have only known these people for a couple months)

As it turns out one of my buddies lived in South Carolina and was driving home to be with his family, he invited me to come over and I thought it would be a great time!  I was a little nervous.  I was going to spend Thanksgiving with another family – a family that homeschooled their kids?  It was different than my background, and they might have other weird family traditions!

God has a way of taking you places you never thought you would be with people you never thought you would meet.  Then afterwards, you can’t imagine your life without it.  One of my life verses is Proverbs 3:4-5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Last year’s Thanksgiving was a blast.  I was totally brought into this family and they welcomed me with open arms the whole time I was there.  Because of their love, I want to start a new tradition for this time of year.

Spend Thanksgiving with a different family each year.

This year I’m going to Buffalo, NY (Lord Willing), to be with different friends.

What’s a tradition that you can start that will stretch your comfort zone?

 

keagan blanckeKeagan Blancke is a 22 year old broadcasting graduate from University of Northwestern St. Paul. My motto is “it’s all about who you know” and the most important person you can know is Jesus. I would love to get to know you as well, making connections is always beneficial.