Guess Who Cares For Young Adults When They Move Back Home

ADULTKIDS_BANNER

I came across this article, and wanted to share it with my readers.  Heather Krause is a statistician who works with nonprofit organizations.  As you read, here are a few thoughts.

1.  If you are making lunches for an emerging adult, you are not helping them, but discouraging their development (through hindering their personal autonomy).

2.  Although “moving out” is considered the pinnacle marker of adulthood, it is not adequate for establishing adulthood.  Assuming that proper boundaries are established, families can remain living together their entire lives.

3.  The author states that she doesn’t care about doing housework that her grown children should be doing.  I believe that this is due to the fact that many adults fail to redefine their lives when children move out.  After years of caring for children, an empty nest requires that the individual redefine their personal lives, their marriage, and their home.

Dr. G. David Boyd

 

Teen who Sued Her Parents is Back in Court.

Teen who sued parents gets restraining order against boyfriendRachel Canning is back in the news again after filing a lawsuit against her boyfriend for choking her. Her boyfriend also filed a restraining order against Rachel, but both sides dropped their lawsuits in order to have a clear record for college.

Maybe her parents were wise when they asked her to break up with her boyfriend.  Her boyfriend was one area of disagreement between Rachel and her parents before she moved out and filed a lawsuit asking for money to support her lifestyle and future education.

It seems that the national attention was profitable for Rachel.  She landed a $56k scholarship to Western New England University based upon her merit.  I am sure that many readers are wondering what part of her merit does the school most admire?  Her ability to conjure lawsuits?  Her proclivity to excessive partying?  Her sense of entitlement?

I am definitely disappointed that if the money was based upon her time in the spotlight that an academic institution would use the situation for media attention – especially appearing to reward and support her values.

I am wondering whether Rachel will look at her parents and say, “Mom – Dad.  You were right.”

I am not holding my breath waiting for that to happen, and I doubt her parents are either.

Parenting Young Adults with ADHD

As a parent with a child with ADHD, I know that parenting can be challenging at some times, and exhausting at others.  My son at the age of three would stay awake playing in his room until 11 pm because he could not settle down.

I have seen the challenges as a toddler, and child.  The challenges of a young adult with ADHD affect development, and cause difficulties within the home.

Here is a great article that I found that discusses the challenges of young adulthood for the person with ADHD.  The author does a great job of supporting the concepts of autonomy, community, and vocation.

 

 

How to Help those who have Lost a Child.

Young adult - head on arms

Early adulthood is a time when one gets married, and has children.  Right?  But what happens when the happy couple’s dreams come to a grinding halt.  In the middle of settling into their adult lives, some emerging adults come face to face with one of the hardest situations that they will ever face – the death of a child. Continue reading

5 Ways to Pray For Your Emerging Adult

prayingWhen as a parent you are not sure what to do (or not do), or how to help your emerging adult, there is one thing that you can always do without getting trouble – PRAY.

I grew up hearing stories of parents and grandparents who were prayer warriors.  People who would spend hours beseeching God on behalf of others.  I hope these “prayer warriors” still exist today.

It is not a small resource to parents.  But as one parent said, “Prayer is the only REAL resource we possess.  Everything else we use to ‘solve’ our problems (money, influence, talents, etc.) is nothing compared to the power we have in the God of the universe.”

Are you praying regularly for your child?  Not just positive thoughts that are sent their way.  Not just a regularly rehearsed of words uttered quickly before a prayer.  Do you spend time going before the throne of God on behalf of your children?

Some EA’s know that their parents pray for them.  One EA writes, “My parents have always been my biggest prayer warriors, and it means the world to me. As a child, they established a precedent of praying about anything -both big (family financial issues) and small (finding a missing item).”  While others are doubtful, “I would love it if my mom prayed for me…ever. At all. That would be amazing.”

Knowledge of others that regularly pray for them, gives emerging adults confidence and encouragement in their lives.  Here are some things that they requested for their parents to pray for.

 1.  Expectations

“Patience. Always. There are so many new things in life that happens, so patience to wait it out when we want or are waiting on something and contentment when things don’t work how  we planned/imagine them being.”

“For God’s will in my life above my own expectations.”

“that I would walk in contentment no matter what is going on around me.”

 2.  Their Ministry or Service to Others

“Especially our ministry.  I would LOVE that.”

3.  Decision-making

“I would like prayer about the things happening in my life and decision-making.”

4.  Identity Formation

“One thing would be that they would pray I continue to strengthen my identity in Christ and use that as motivation to love others in my day.”

 5.  Relationships

“To pray God’s will in my life. Specially pray for the chapter of engagement and marriage.”

“I want my parents to be praying that I know Christ more intimately each day, that my marriage would be strong.”

Hands in prayerYou took the time to read the article – (which probably took you about 60 seconds).  Now take the time to put it into action.  Go back through the five topics, and pray for your children.  If you don’t know what they are facing in these areas, then make a point to ask them.

Let your emerging adults know you are praying for them.  They can refuse your help, ignore your wishes, and resent your advice, but they cannot stop your prayers.

Prayer is always an option.  And just as a reminder, it is the BEST one.

The Loss of Rites of Passage in Western Society. Will they be missed?

Adulthood Ahead SignAdolescents and Emerging adults need to know what is expected of them as they approach adulthood.  They are constantly asking themselves and others, “Are we there yet?”  Just as mile markers along the interstate can monitor your progression towards your destination, so can rites of passage encourage emerging adults by confirming that they are going the right way.

Unfortunately, many of our culture’s rites of passage have been lost or outdated in our fast-paced, changing society.  There is a desperate need for rites of passage to be reinvented and reintroduced within Western culture.  Ronald Grimes declares the current lack of rites of passage to be an urgent global problem:  “The absence of rites of passage leads to a serious breakdown in the process of maturing as a person” (Grimes).  Ronald Grimes, Professor of Religion and Culture at Wilfrid Laurier University says that transitions between life stages, “can be negotiated without the benefit of rites, but in their absence, there is a greater risk of speeding through the dangerous intersections of the human life course.”  As adolescents take steps towards maturity, their steps need to be noticed and celebrated by the community around them.

Rites of passage show the pathway towards adulthood, and can serve as motivators towards adulthood.

Many adolescents are motivated by milestones that require defined work (for example, obtaining a driver’s license or graduating from high school).  Few adolescents complain about practicing driving, or memorizing traffic laws because they know that they will soon receive the legal right to drive and the freedom that comes with it.  Emerging adults need to have definable achievements and freedoms before them that will motivate them to push forward.

While some rites of passage are earned, others happen naturally (the beginning of puberty, or reaching legal drinking age).  These “natural” rites of passages within our society have been minimized, or celebrated in unhealthy ways.    Without adults taking the initiative in these areas, rites of passage have been left to be developed by those experiencing them.  Grimes says, “Initiation in Western society often takes this postmodern, peer-driven form—adolescents initiating adolescents, sometimes compulsively, unconsciously, and violently” (Grimes).  I believe that this problem is illustrated in the movie 21 and Over.  As a young man approaches his 21 birthday, his friends believe it is their moral obligation to give him the experience that our culture requires – one filled with inappropriate and destructive behavior.

Rites of passage signal changes within the life of the adolescent to their community.

“Experiencing a rite of passage allows young people to let go of childlike behavior and to begin taking on adult responsibilities and their accompanying consequences” (Moore).  Rites of passage signal to the individual and the community that they have changed, and are ready for autonomy and responsibility.  The community needs to be aware because their expectations on the individual changes, as well as their role within that community.

HandsRites of passage should be celebrated within a community.

Rites of passage are not important solely for the sake of the individual, but are beneficial to all involved.   I have personally been blessed by playing a role in the rites of passage for individuals.  It is an affirmation to all invited of your impact on the life of the individual.

There is a need for our families and faith communities to reintroduce rites of passage into today’s culture.  What way have you or someone you know used rites of passage with their family?  What way has your church used rites of passage with the community?

Resources

Grimes, Ronald.  Deeply into the Bone.

Moore, Walker.  Rite of passage parenting:  Four essential experiences to equip

your kids for life.

 

A Parent’s Toolbox

Tobi on floorLife with three boys is certainly an adventure.  Just the other day, Toby (my 2 year old), decided even after several warnings to throw a metal airplane at his big brother.  Shortly afterwards, we had not one, but two boys crying.

I took Toby to the “naughty step” which is a tool that we use to teach the concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

However, the naughty step no longer seems to be effective when working with my older boys.  Once so effective, they have become immune to its impact.  In order to get across these same concepts, I have had to find new tools.  If I use the naughty step with them, they become angry and frustrated that I treat them like they are still two.  The conflict is no longer focused on obedience, but upon our under-developed relationship.

tools-toolbox-basement-2028410-h[1]As parents, sometimes we use out-dated tools as we engage with our emerging adults.  We fail to realize that our little babies are no longer babies (illustrated by this powerful commercial).

A new phase of parenting requires a new set of tools.  The purpose of EA Resources is to equip you with the tools that you need in order to help your children enter and succeed in adulthood.

It is important to remember that while your child might still need to work through the same concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, you are no longer a controller of the process, but an invited companion of their journey.   Your child establishes both where they are headed, and how they will get there.

What outdated tool are you still attempting to use?  How do you need to develop in your skills as a parent?

How has your parenting tool box changed as your child has become an adult?  What words of wisdom can you leave for others?

 

 

Causes of Delayed Development (Part 2)

The delayed development of adolescents will a major impact upon the future of the United States.  Many researchers are proposing causes of this issue.  In Part 1, I examined the delay of marriage and parenting, educational patterns, and the isolation of adolescents from adults as possible causes of delayed development.  In Part 2, I will be looking at three other probable causes of the delayed development of adolescents. Continue reading

Five Dos and Don’ts when dropping off your college student

Sterling College Students from Flickr via Wylio

© 2011 Sterling College, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio

Fall is upon us, and many campuses, are many schools are welcoming another record-breaking number of students.   It is a good idea for parents to have a role in the higher education of their children, but what is that role?  Are they simply there as pack mules for an over-abundance of clothes and a mini-fridge?  Continue reading