Asking the Guy on the White Horse to Go Away.

rachel by water

Photo courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014.

This is an interview that I conducted with a friend who after waiting years for Prince Charming to propose, decided that he was not worth the wait.  Please share with those who might be going through the same situation.  I pray that her words will heal your heart.    

This relationship was different.  I kept thinking that he really was the one.  Along the way, I misread or ignored some signs that might have kept me from heartache.

We met at church, so I assumed God’s approval.

As the years passed (Yes, years!), most of our friends were moving ahead to engagement, marriage, and even children.  While we were just…stalled.

At first, he was the only one who was allowed to bring up the topic of long-term commitment.  He would tell me that he was going to marry me, and even talk about having children; however, there was always a but.

But I need to finish school…But I need to get a job…  But I need to get established in this job…  But I need to move… but I, but I.

The reasons never included me – or even us.  There was never an opportunity for me to speak into it.  It seems as if our relationship had almost nothing to do about what I wanted.

As the months turned into years, I became angry, and felt unloved.  I was constantly walking on eggshells when discussing our relationship.  He held all the power, and I wasn’t allowed to bring it up.  Whenever I expressed my frustration, he would say, “If you break up with me, I am not taking you back.”

There were times when I found courage to leave only to be slowly drawn back.  He needed comfort, security, and companionship, and used me to get it.  I liked being needed, so I gave in – without considering the fact that I needed something too.

I dreamt my whole life of getting a ring, so how could I leave when I was so close?  In the end, I am actually glad he didn’t give me a ring.  The ring would have just sucked me into another dream where I believed that our love was real.

In the end, I cut myself off completely from him and our social groups.  I wrestled with God in long, tear-filled prayers.  However, I know that breaking up with him saved me a lifetime of wondering whether he really loved me or not.

In this journey, I realized how much I undervalued myself.  I believed that I wasn’t worthy of his love, or anyone else’s.  I convinced myself to just be content with what I was getting.  I believed that his love was the best that I could get.  I was captured by a fear that if I lost him, then I would never have another chance at finding love.

I became so worried about losing him, that I lost myself.

This long and painful road has definitely increased my faith.  It has opened my eyes to the worth that I do possess.

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